Martin Garrix, save us all from John Lewis

God bless you, Radio One listeners. God bless the UK’s pop kids. There’s a lot of bad stuff said about the younger generation. A lot of bad stuff. About how they watch too much reality TV. How they all wear hoodies and pull knives on you at the drop of a hat.

And on a personal note, it is only the stupid law of the land that prevented me from disembowelling the vile little shits who threw an egg at me on Hallowe’en evening. An egg!

To be fair the little bastard managed to secure quite a painful direct hit from across the road, so perhaps if he’s reading this he could try his luck at the local cricket club and maybe try and channel his talents more usefully.

But this pales into insignificance beside the exhilarating, life-affirming event that took place on Sunday evening.

This is the record that kept that f***ing John Lewis song off Number One. We shall come to the responsible party for that vile excuse for music presently but first get your ears round this:

Brilliant. Just brilliant. Well done to everybody who bought it. Take a bow.

Now compare it with this


That’s right. The link doesn’t work. There is no link. There is no way I am giving this obscenity any further publicity.

If you MUST hear it again, you will have to search the Dark Net. I’ll still be here when you get back. Go. Quickly.

When I first heard it I thought it was bad. Very bad. I thought it was an attempt to emulate the succes of Hannah Peel’s wonderful take on eighties synth-pop classic “Tainted Love”.

THAT is how to do a quiet cover version. Beautiful, jangly, understated, but with a definite disturbing edge, hence FX using it for a trailer for American Horror Story.

Hannah Peel brings something new to a great song. The most famous version is of course by Soft Cell

but the original was by Gloria Jones

The cover of “Somewhere Only We Know” is neither beautiful nor disturbing. It is insipid, wet, and depressing.

A lot of people reckon the original by Keane is similarly wet, and sure, it ain’t exactly rock’n’roll, but I have to say  I love Keane. They never claimed or tried to be cool anyway.

When I first heard the cover I thought it sounded like a bad impression of Lily Allen.

So imagine my surprise when I found out it WAS Lily Allen.

What the hell happened to the bright, sparky poptastic talent who gave us this :

Jesus, Lily. You are better than this.

This is not about selling out. If you want to make shedloads of money from John Lewis, fine.

Just seems like an odd career move to even contemplate doing a song for an ad when you’re an established artist, and a good one.

And let’s leave out the “posh kid” jibes.

Take posh kids out of the equation and for starters there would be no British guitar based music at all apart from Kasabian. (* This is not strictly true. But still. *)

And breathe. Better now. Let’s end this on a positive note. This is Lily Allen when she was fab.

And I’m not even going to mention twerking. Whatever the hell that is.

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